


As long as we´re together

by readeverystory



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types, Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Kinda Dark, Panic Attacks, Percy is not okay, after Tartarus, but not really, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2021-01-15 23:15:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21261224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/readeverystory/pseuds/readeverystory
Summary: Percy shouldn´t be having panic attacks, he keeps telling himself. He is the Son of Poseidon, a Hero of Olympus. He shouldn´t be feeling this way. But he can´t shut up the voices in his head.





	As long as we´re together

**Author's Note:**

> So, I´ve been rereading the Heros of Olympus recently and I just finished Mark of Athena, that´s why I was... feeling things and was inspired to write this. Also I´ve been seeing a lot of fics that deal with Nico or Annabeth having panic attacks and Percy being the comforting one. But honestly, I feel like my boy Percy deserves to be not okay for once too. 
> 
> This is set right after Blood of Olympus with the gang being back in Camp Half-Blood.  
Also trigger warning: this does deal with panic attacks, so don´t read if you don´t feel comfortable reading about this topic.

Percy woke up feeling weird, which could only mean one thing: He had had a nightmare, which he could not recall. He always seemed to have nightmares these days. Right after Tartarus he had been too preoccupied with saving the world (again) to be bothered with what had happened down in the pit. He had repressed it, had kept it bottled up.

_Later_, he had said. _I will deal with this later. I can´t get distracted right now._

And now with the world being safe (or at least not in immediate danger of annihilation) his mind had decided that it was later. Apparently now was the perfect time to deal with trauma.

Percy didn´t mind the nightmares all that much. He was used to nightmares. As a Halfblood he had much experience with weird dreams. And after the Titan War he had had his fair share of nightmares. Percy had thought this time it was just the same thing all over again.

And it was, partly. He did have nightmares. He had them almost every night. Sometimes he woke up from them sweating and screaming and sometimes he couldn´t even remember what they had been about. But as dreadful as they were, Percy could deal with nightmares.

What he couldn´t deal with and what he hadn´t expected to have were the panic attacks.

Percy had told no one about those. Not even Annabeth knew about them. He could talk with her about his nightmares, she had those too after all, but he couldn´t bring himself to tell her about the panic attacks. He was a Hero of Olympus, a child of the Big Three, he should not have panic attacks. He should not be this helpless.

He knew Annabeth wouldn´t judge him. On the contrary, she would support and love him, but Percy couldn´t help thinking that he shouldn´t be feeling this way. He should be strong. He should be able to deal with this. After all, she dealt with it so well.

Yes, she did have nightmares too, but less frequently than him and she never seemed to be anxious, much less have panic attacks. Even Nico, who had been down there alone, didn´t seem to struggle as much as Percy did. Of course, he had his problems too, but still, Nico had built himself a life at Camp Half-Blood, dated Will Solace, was happy. Why couldn´t Percy move on? Why did he have to struggle so much? Why was he so weak?

Percy knew as soon as he opened his eyes that an attack would probably come today. He woke up feeling weird, feeling jumpy and anxious. He would´ve preferred to stay in bed, to put the blanket over his head, shut the world out and just not leave the Cabin all day. But he knew, Annabeth would get suspicious if he didn´t show up to breakfast. She would come here to look for him and then she would see what a mess he was. So, Percy dragged himself out of Cabin Three and sat down at his table.

_I just need to be out for an hour or so_, he told himself while he pushed some blue pancakes around his plate. _After that I can go back to my Cabin. Just an hour. I can survive an hour… Right? _

“Hey, bro!”, somebody yelled as they flopped down at his table.

Percy flinched, his hand halfway at his pocket where he had stored Riptide until he looked up and saw that it was Jason.

His friend raised his eyebrows. “You okay?”

Percy grinned a fake grin, putting his hand back on the table. “Yeah, sorry. You just startled me.”

He tried to act casually and hoped that Jason would not notice how tense his shoulders were.

Jason shrugged. “Sorry, my fault.”

Percy waved his apology aside as if it was no big deal. As if he hadn´t alerted the voices in his head. As if they weren´t whispering: _Danger. There is danger everywhere_ even more than they usually were.

_I´m in Camp Half-Blood_, Percy called back at them. _This is my home. I´m safe here. _

But that didn´t shut them up. It never shut them up. They just said: _But are you sure? How can you be sure? There could be monsters everywhere. Monsters that will drag you back into Tartarus. Or maybe you haven´t even left Tartarus. Maybe this is all a trick. Maybe you never left. Maybe - _

“So, are you ready for Capture the Flag today?”, Jason said, interrupting the voices.

“Oh”, Percy said. He had forgotten about Capture the Flag. “Yeah, sure.”

He tried not to think too much about all the fighting it would involve. All the noise and the shouting.

_All the danger_, the voices said. _See, you´re never safe. Never. There´s always danger_.

Percy clenched his hands into fists. _Danger is everywhere_.

Jason frowned. “You don´t seem very excited. You´re still on my team, right?”

Percy faked a smile. He was getting quite good at that. “Yeah, sure. Why wouldn`t I be?”

Jason grinned. “Good. Because Nico got Athena and Ares, so I need every single Camper I can get.”

Behind Percy someone cut his food, dragging his knife across the plate and creating a screeching sound. Percy suppressed another flinch_. Your´re not safe. You´re never safe._

Percy swallowed, his hands started sweating. _It´s Camp Half-Blood. Of course, I am safe._

“No, of course. You can count on me.”

“Awesome”, Jason smiled, oblivious to the argument Percy had inside his head. “At least we got Apollo, which means we got Will and you know what…”

_Are you sure you´re safe?, _the voices taunted, drowning Jason out_. _

_Of course, I am sure, _Percy held back, but even in his head his voice got weaker and weaker.

_But are you sure, though? Really sure?_, the voices insisted.

They didn´t make sense. They never made sense. All they did was repeat one sentence, one sentiment over and over again. _How can you be sure? How can you be sure? How can you be sure? _

Percy´s hands started shaking. He dropped his fork and jumped up. Jason looked up at him confused.

“I – I´m sorry, Jason. I got to go. I forgot something. Uh, in my Cabin. Yeah, I gotta go back”, Percy stuttered.

He didn´t wait for him to respond, but simply walked away. His hands still shaking.

Back in his Cabin Percy threw water from the fountain in his face. The salt water always helped a little. The familiar feeling quieted the voices down a little bit, but it still took Percy several minutes to calm down and breath normally again. But at least, he was calm enough no to flinch, when somebody knocked on his door carefully. It was Annabeth.

“Are you okay?”, she asked quietly. “I´ve seen you jump up from the Breakfast table and Jason said-“

“No”, Percy interrupted her. “I´m okay. Really, I´m totally fine.”

_Maybe_, he thought, _if I just repeat it often enough, it´ll come true_.

Annabeth walked over to him and stretched out her hand.

Brushing off a drop of salt water that hadn´t dried yet, she whispered: “You know, you can talk to me, right, Percy? This doesn´t work if you don´t talk to me.”

He looked at her worried, grey eyes and he almost snapped right there. He almost told her everything right then and there. How he had been on edge ever since they had come back from Tartarus. How he hadn´t relaxed for a minute. How the voices in his head taunted him, kept him alert even in the middle of the night. How he could only sleep when exhaustion hit him and how, even then, nightmares crept up to him, waking him up all over again. And, worst of all, how sometimes the voices, the fear just took over. How they drowned everything out, painted his whole world in black until he didn´t know what was real anymore. He almost told her. Almost.

“I´m okay, Wise Girl, seriously”, Percy said and tried to sound convincing.

Annabeth´s eyes were sad when he said that, and she dropped her hand. “Okay. If you say so.”

She got up to her tiptoes and kissed him on the cheek. “I´ll see you later, Seaweed Brain.”

Jason placed Percy at the most obvious spot: The river.

“You can guard it on your own, can´t you?”, Jason asked.

Percy swallowed. He tried not to think about how he would stand all alone here. In the dark. With trees all around him. Perfect hiding spots for monsters.

_Danger_, the voices whispered_. Danger is everywhere. You´re never safe._

_It´s just Capture the Flag_, Percy argued. _I´ve done this hundred of times_.

_But are you sure you´re safe? This time? How can you be sure? _

Percy shook his head at the voices.

“Sure”, he said to Jason and faked a smile. “I´ll be fine. You go and guard the flag.”

Jason stretched out his hand as if to pat him on the shoulder. Percy flinched back.

His friend frowned but dropped his hand as if nothing had happened. “You´re awesome, bro. See you later.”

And with that he left Percy alone. In the dark. In the woods. With thousands of sounds and no way to be sure if he was safe or not.

_Danger. Danger is everywhere_.

Percy swallowed again.

For the first couple of minutes he managed to drown out the voices by concentrating on the sound of the river.

_See?_, he told himself. _This is completely fine. Nothing out of the ordinary here. You´ve done this hundreds of times. Nothing –_

A branch snapped in the dark.

Percy whipped his head around.

_Danger_, the voices cried out. _You´re never safe. Danger is everywhere. _

The rational part of his brain kept telling him that there were dozens of Campers in the woods, somebody had simply stepped on a branch and had broken it. But the rational part of his brain never had a chance against the voices.

_Are you sure, though? Are you sure it was just someone stepping on a branch?,_ they asked. _How can you be sure? Maybe it was monsters. Maybe it was Tartarus himself. Danger, is everywhere. You´re never safe. Never. _

_I -_, Percy wanted to argue, but then he heard a scream.

_Never safe, the voices insisted. Never. They will come and get you. Now. Danger is everywhere. Danger. Danger. Danger. _

Percy´s grip around Riptide tightened. His hands started sweating.

_What if you never left Tartarus? What if this is all a trick? What if nothing is real? Danger is everywhere. _

Percy´s heart started pounding in his chest. Suddenly the trees seemed to whisper around him. What if the voices were right? How could he be sure?

_There is no way to be sure_, the voices said. _No way to be certain._

Percy squeezed his eyes shut, trying to shut out the voices, but there was no way he could shut them out. There was no way he could shut his own head up.

Then right in that moment somebody broke through the woods. Percy screamed and all his bottled up anxiety broke free from him at once. The river responded and created the biggest wave Percy had ever seen.

_There is no way to be sure_, the voices said in his head.

Percy´s ears were ringing. He didn´t register anything anymore. There was nothing, nothing but darkness around him. Darkness and fear and danger.

_Danger. Danger is everywhere. DANGER. _

Percy pressed his hands over his ears and screamed again. He didn´t notice he was creating a storm around him. He didn´t even notice his knees gave in and he broke down to the ground. All he noticed were the voices in his head and the fact that he wanted them to stop, to shut up. But they didn´t. They kept taunting him.

_Never safe_, the voices said over and over and over again. _Never safe never safe never safe never safe_.

“Annabeth”, somebody shouted so urgently that Annabeth immediately knew something was wrong.

She turned around and saw Clarisse standing there. She was dripping.

“It´s Percy”, she said as if Annabeth didn´t know already. As if the feeling in her stomach hadn´t told her already. “I wanted to attack him at the river. But I think, he´s having a panic attack. You –“

Annabeth didn´t even wait for her to finish. She just started to run. She had known Percy was hiding something from her, had known all along. But she had also known that she couldn´t pressure him into telling her. If she had done so, he would´ve just back away from her even further. So, she had waited for him to come to her in his own time. But, maybe, she thought now, maybe she should have insisted a little more. Maybe, she shouldn´t have let herself be brushed off so easily.

Annabeth arrived at the river in record time. She was sweating and panting but she forgot her exhaustion immediately when she saw the scene that was playing out in front of her.

“Percy”, she whispered. “Oh, Seaweed Brain.”

Campers where standing around the river, starring at the storm Percy had created around himself. Water was splashing and roaring. Annabeth couldn´t see him behind his wall of water but she could feel him. She could feel his pain, his fear.

“Alright”, somebody said, and Annabeth saw that Will had stepped in front of the campers, Nico right beside him. “There´s nothing to see here. Everybody, get back to your Cabins. Come on. Go. Go.”

The Campers grumbled, some hesitating and glancing back at the storm, but eventually they turned around and cleared. Nico and Will were the last to leave.

Annabeth flashed both boys a smile before stepping up to the storm. She didn´t hesitate when she stepped through the water. Percy would feel it was her. She was sure of that. And he would never hurt her. She would be fine.

She stepped through the storm. Water splashing around her, but it didn´t touch her, not really. She went on. And then she saw him.

He was sitting on the ground, his knees drawn towards his chest. His eyes squeezed shut and his hands pressed over his ears. He wasn´t screaming. He wasn´t even sobbing. He was just crying silently. One tear after the other making its way down his cheeks. Annabeth´s heart ached.

“Hey”, she said, hoping he would hear her. “It´s me, Annabeth.”

He didn´t react. But she thought that maybe the storm had slowed down a bit.

Annabeth stepped up to him slowly and sat down next to him.

“You´re safe, Percy. You´re in Camp Half-Blood. We have left that awful place behind. Everything is fine now”, she said.

Now, she was sure that the roaring of the storm was quieting down. Annabeth carefully, very carefully stretched out her hand, placing it on his knee.

“You´re with me”, she said. “You´re safe. We´re safe.”

Percy blinked his eyes open and looked at her. Carefully he lowered his hands.

“Annabeth?”, he asked as if he couldn´t quite believe she was really here.

“Yes, Seaweed Brain”, Annabeth whispered, chocking on her tears. “It´s me.”

“Annabeth”, he repeated. “Wise Girl.”

He wrapped his arms around her. So hard that she couldn´t breathe for a second, but she didn´t mind. She wrapped her arms around him just as tightly.

“Annabeth”, he continued to chant, burying his head in her shoulder. “Annabeth. Annabeth. Annabeth.”

Annabeth didn´t know how long they sat there until he let go of her. He had stopped crying, but his face was still wet from his tears.

“I lied”, he finally told her. “I´m not okay. I´m not. I should be -”

Annabeth shut him up with a kiss.

“I know, you´re not okay”, she said. “But we´ll figure this out. As long as we´re together, right?”

He studied her for a long time, until a small, but hopeful smile lit up his face. “As long as we´re together.”

**Author's Note:**

> In case you´re wondering why I included Clarisse of all people. I just feel like she would be very sympathtic to people struggeling with mental health after everything that has happened with Chris. Even if those people are Percy Jackson, her mortal (fr)enemy. 
> 
> Spoiler warning for Trials of Apollo part 3: DO NOT read this note further if you haven´t read the book yet. 
> 
> I simply had to include Jason. I´m still in denial, that´s why I have to keep him alive at least in my fanfics. I´m sorry if I reopened the wound with that. But I couldn´t help myself. I´m also not okay.


End file.
